The BallsAche Page

'Its time to shit or get off the potty' (poss. Australian origin)
Said by Australian Bill Sweetenham (above), when taking over as National Director of Swimming Performance for the UK.

Classic BallsAches expressions, we've all overheard them whether its in the office, in a meeting room, or maybe at a business lunch. Could be on holiday somewhere when you hear somebody spout a typical ballsache.
What is a 'ballsache?' Its an expression meaning 'A hard job/a pain in the arse/ass' But a 'ballsache person' is one who employs ballsache expressions i.e.. perplexing platitudes that leave you scratching your head in bemusement.
If you think you have a ballsache to share then send it in, (email at the bottom of this page).
NB. There is a question mark after some of the definitions because your guess is as good as ours.

"A fur-lined, ocean-going ballsup" (a monumental cock up) Thanks to Tom off 'Grand Designs', Channel Four TV- GOLDENBALLS AWARD

"Pissed as a fiddlers bitch" (Very drunk.) Thanks to Dirk Bogarde as recorded in his excellent biography 'Cleared for Take Off'. This quote was in reference to his alcoholic mother- POSTHUMOUS GOLDENBALLS AWARD

"He's/She's a bulldog licking piss off a nettle" (He/She is not very attractive.-Could apply to Bill Sweetenham above. Ed) Thanks to Doug Knight, Watford., UK. FORMER GOLDENBALLS AWARD WINNER

"Tin Arse" (NewZealand in origin. it means a lucky get, a jammy tw*t - a gambler. ) Thanks to Steve Mitchell., UK

"Spit the dummy" (as in someone was really annoyed and lost their temper.., 'he's really going to spit the dummy over this'...It's Aussie in origin and funny if you've got a visual imagination and think of a grown man in a pram or pushchair actually spitting their dummy out of their mouth in a tantrum.) Thanks to Rachel Carlson., UK

" I would rather have all my teeth removed by a one-armed arse scratcher than ......" (An airline expression of Scottish origin via South Africa, India and the Middle East) - Thanks to Alan. J. Burnett, British Airways

"Its gone arse over tit" (its gone wrong)-- Gile s Barton, UK Other variants include 'tits up' 'pear shaped'

"Now we're cooking, lets turn up the gas" (Things are working out, lets go for it' )-- Lee Wilson Wolfe, UK

"King of shit mountain" (a petty figure of authority reigning over a small empire)-- Lee wilson Wolfe 'the 'empire' could be an office or a project. A good example is a girl in a shared house or lodgings who takes it on herself to organise cleaning rosters, house rules etc, a fellow house mate may be heard to mutter 'who does she think she is Queen of shit mountain.'Thanks to Lee Wilson-Wolfe for that explanation.

"That one (person) wouldn't knit an arse for a cat" (?Suggestions on a postcard please)-- Barry Henryl, UK -GOLDENBALLS AWARD

'It's a no-brainer' -- Suzie Aspinall, UK 'it's a no brainer' means it's very easy, ie you don't need a brain to do it, often used in the context of a choice as in "Ted, shall we go with the Teddle, Tut and Morgan proposal or run with the guys down at Narble Partners, well Martin I reckon it's a no brainer, did you see the work Narble did on the Lancelot project, those boys are bloody good" -Thanks to Lee Wilson-Wolfe for that explanation.

'He's about as useful as a one-legged bloke at an Arse-kicking Party!'(useless) -Mike Bye, UK

'I wanna run this by you' (I want you to consider this) , Steve Mitchell, UK

'Its a honey of a wine' (Its special) The Glugnose, ClassicFM, UK

"'I'll take my ball off the pitch you can play with your own ball kind' of conversation"(someone being petty minded?) C.Malonie, UK

'Monkey see, monkey do' (If the one in charge is a slacker so will the workers be) Ged Adamson, UK

'Spunking money' (excessive waste of collateral by large corporations?) Ed Tucker, UK

'Wake up and smell the coffee' (Become aware of and don't avoid a looming, possibly bad event?)

'Headbangers' (Misguided dissenter) Ken Clarke, UK when referring to some politicians who disagreed with him

'Slummy' (Loose change in pocket, that could interfere with 'key jangling': A quintessential BA past-time)

'Lets put this one to bed' (also 'Put the lid on it': bring something to a close?) Edd McCardle, UK

'Ticks in boxes' (?) Ed Tucker, UK

'Tough titty' (hard luck) -Anon

'The big swinging dicks' ( used when referring to high ranking executives in a city bank) Chris Ward, UK

'Bells and whistles' ( unnecessary alterations or packaging)

'It's got legs' (It's a viable option) Ged Adamson, UK

'I hope we are all singing from the same hymn sheet?' (self explanatory) Lee Wilson Wolfe, UK

'A BallsAche' (A hard job/a pain in the arse/ass)

'Working your tripe off '(Working hard..)

'Busting a gut' (Working hard..)

'Balls to the wall' (Working hard at the last minute..)

'Balls on the chopping block' (Ultimately responsible for your actions in your business with the risk of getting sacked/fired)

'A Pigs Ear' (Referring to a badly executed job..)

'A Thick Ear' (Used by the critic Kenneth Halliwell when referring to a film, meaning..?)

'Financially, you shall go the ball'John Laphan, UK (once said to somebody at work, by a ballsache in accounts, regarding their long expected pay cheque.)

'Pissing in the tall weeds with the big dogs' (becoming successful in the office?)

'Chumps change' Richard Walker, UK (A raw deal)

'Lets run it up the flagpole and see who salutes' John Laphan, UK (Once used in an office situation by someone smug enough to think that the boss would agree with their decision and nobody elses.)

'This particular *buggerette*'(When talking about a recurring technical problem...)

'Ahhh, I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again' (When talking about a recurring technical problem...)

'Todays Jolly' (Eg. Subject line of an emailed joke)

'Away with the fairies' ('Someone who is in a world of there own, not quite 'with us' if you like.'-Lee Wilson Wolfe, UK)

'About as useful as a chocolate fireguard' (useless)

'Talk turkey' (talk business)

'JFD principle 'Just f*cking do it' (Heard in the board room once, referring to management of staff)

'Cake and Pie' (An easy job? Could be of Australian origin?)

'Now we're sucking diesel' (Now we're making progress! of Irish origin) Andy McEvoy, UK

If you've heard anymore or can shed any light on some of the definitions, please email ballsache@lookylikey.com